A Leadership Love Story (with a Warning Label)
Leadership is often described as a love story. But let’s be clear: it’s not the glossy kind with soft lighting and perfect endings. It’s more like a Quentin Blake illustration — a bit lopsided, slightly chaotic, and always showing up in ink smudges rather than neat lines.
And here’s the rub: some leaders only ever read about love. They memorise the sonnets, annotate the rom-coms, and know every stage of courtship in theory. That’s intellectual knowledge of emotional intelligence.
Others actually step into the messy, unpredictable business of connection. They wobble through awkward conversations, listen when it’s uncomfortable, and sometimes trip over their own feet — but they’re present. That’s emotional acuity. It’s not neat. It’s not always pretty. But it’s real.
1. The Head Knows: Intellectual EQ
Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence gave leaders the recipe book: perceive, understand, and manage your own emotions and those of others. His four-part model — self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management — is now stamped on just about every leadership course.
And there’s no doubt the recipe matters. Being fluent in the language of empathy and influence gets you noticed. But reading a recipe and cooking a meal are not the same thing. You don’t build trust by waving a recipe card at your team.
2. The Heart Feels: Emotional Acuity
Emotional acuity is when you stop playing at leadership courtship and actually risk connection. It’s spotting the quiet sigh in the meeting, noticing the enthusiasm that drains from someone’s face, or feeling the weight in the air after bad news.
Anyone can copy and paste empathy phrases. Emotional acuity is about feeling what others feel enough to respond authentically. Think of it like love letters versus showing up. Anyone can quote poetry. It takes acuity to sit down, listen, and be awkwardly human in real time.
3. When Knowing Isn’t Enough
Here’s the painful bit: most of us think we’re more self-aware than we are. Research shows 95% believe they are, but only 10–15% actually hit the mark. That’s a lot of people writing themselves love stories that no one else recognises.
And when the pressure mounts, intellect often jumps ship. Cue Goleman’s “amygdala hijack” — the moment when your rational brain packs its bags and your emotions run the show. You might know the steps to the dance, but in the heat of the moment you’re stamping on toes.
4. Warning: Leaders, Look in the Mirror
Too many leaders use emotional intelligence as a way to critique their teams: “They need more empathy,” “They’re not self-aware enough.” It’s like marking someone else’s love letters with red pen while never writing one yourself.
Real leadership means turning the pen back on yourself. Where do you wobble? Where do you promise presence and then vanish into emails? Where do you avoid the difficult conversation?
As Carl Jung put it, “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” Without that honesty, you’re the emperor with no clothes, convinced your emotional finery dazzles, while everyone else is quietly mortified.
5. The Narcissist’s Trap
And here’s the darkest chapter. Narcissistic leaders often delude themselves into thinking they’re brimming with EQ. They parade empathy like a peacock — “I’m only giving you this tough feedback because I care” — while their teams mutter under their breath and plan their exit.
That’s the danger of living in the storybook rather than the messy truth. When you convince yourself you’re the romantic hero, you stop noticing that the supporting cast is edging towards the door.
6. The Brave Coach: Enter the Truth-Teller
This is where the plot twist comes in. A brave coach is like the blunt but loyal friend who tells you when your tie is on backwards or when you’ve got spinach in your teeth. They’ll say, “You think you’re coming across as calm. In reality, you’re freezing the room.”
It stings, but it saves you from leading a fantasy. Bill George, former Medtronic CEO, reminds us that “authenticity requires vulnerability.” The right coach helps you practice that in a safe space before you try it out in the wild.
Read more about how to find the right executive coach for you here
7. Psychological Safety: The Unsung Chapter
Leaders with emotional acuity don’t just notice feelings — they create climates where people feel safe enough to voice them. That’s what psychological safety is: knowing you won’t be laughed at, punished, or quietly sidelined for speaking your truth.
Without it, teams behave like characters in a love story who never confess what they feel — polite on the surface, but hollow underneath. Think of Fiona in Four Weddings and a Funeral (Kristin Scott Thomas), who finally admits her love for Charles (Hugh Grant) at the funeral of their friend. It’s tender, brave — but far too late to change the course of events. In teams, just like in films, unspoken truths create regret. With safety, people speak up sooner, and you get the kind of candour and energy that makes others want to turn the page.
8. Head and Heart, Together
So what’s the moral of this leadership love story?
- Intellectual EQ is the book on the shelf.
- Emotional acuity is living the plot — with ink stains, awkward pauses, and moments of genuine connection.
Don’t just critique the characters around you. Hold up a mirror. Work with the coach who won’t flatter you. Beware of slipping into narcissistic delusion.
Because leadership, like love, isn’t about sounding clever. It’s about showing up — scruffy, present, human — and earning trust, page by page.
Chat to us to find out how to improve your leadership love story.